Satire. Dating horror stories. Pop culture conspiracy theories. These are a few of my favorite things and what I spend my time writing about when I'm not running my humor marketing agency, Obedient. Click on the samples below or, ya know, google me. Duh.

Portfolio

Things Married People Think About Single People

“Laaaaaadiiiieeees!”

It was like clockwork. Right after coffee got delivered to the table, but before any food arrived, he strolled over, rubbing his hands together quickly like he was hatching some sort of evil scheme.

“So what did we get into last night!?”

Every weekend it was this same line of questioning from the 55-year-old owner of my favorite Saturday brunch spot, followed swiftly by shock and outrage that we weren’t having Bloody Mary’s or Mimosas.

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What Tinder Taught Me About Dating and Humanity, Ok Just Dating

Naturally, I had a lot of questions: What are people doing on here? Is anyone normal? Is it just a hookup app? Has anyone actually ended up with someone this way? Is it too superficial? Dangerous? WILL I BE THE FIRST TINDER MARRIAGE?

The danger aspect really got me. The fact that you can tell when someone is “less than a mile away” made me believe that I was one mis-swipe away from ending up in some guy named Xenon’s trunk never to be seen again all because he had a cheeky tagline and a photo of a puppy in his profile pic.

But, I’m dramatic.

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About to break up? Skip these 10 spots

I saw someone get dumped the other night.

It was a tragic scene. She was in tears; he was all "I just don't think I can do it anymore," and the waiter was awkwardly hovering, unsure whether to bring Kleenex, refills or the check.

As I gawked at the train wreck before me, I thought to myself, "Man, getting dumped sucks."

Then I thought, "Wow, there's an original statement."

Then I thought, "Is this considered talking to myself?"

But I digress.

While a breakup is a horrible experience regardless of the locale, there are certain spots that would make being dumped exponentially worse.

I began a quest to determine the worst possible places in Chicago to break up with someone or to be broken up with. I know, I know. It's a bit of a downer. But it's for your own good.

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Healthy Travel Snacks to Regret Packing

You’ve got several trips planned for 2016, and one thing’s for sure—you’re probably going to pack a bunch of healthy, responsible snacks that you will definitely not enjoy. And we’re here to help you do it! Since it’s the New Year, you’re full of optimism, and when your intentions are great, your snacks usually blow. So here are a few healthy travel snacks that will have you wishing you’d packed some Cheez-Its instead of all of those goddamn raw unsalted cashews.

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5 Secrets All Happy Couples Know and Refuse to Tell You

You know the couple: they’ve been together for ages, seem to “enjoy each other’s company,” and it looks like none of that is going to change anytime soon. So what’s their secret? Turns out, it has less to do with ‘open and honest communication’ and more to do with knowing a few, select pieces of classified information that fuels their unbreakable, power-couple status. Unfortunately, if you checked ‘single’ on your tax return this year, don’t expect for a second that they’re going to let you in on any of them. But just in case you someday find yourself in love and loved equally in return (lol), here are the 5 key secrets you can look forward to unlocking.

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How to Grow Old with Yourself

Wine, cheese, George Clooney, your cocktail party anecdotes. These are all things that get better with age.

And as far as I’m concerned, we should be doing everything we can to add ourselves to that list. Because, whether you read the title of this article and thought, “I’m not old, ew!” or “That chick isn’t old, I’m old,” we’re all in this together; since, actually, none of us are as young as we once were. That’s just a fact.

But this is not necessarily bad news. Sure, your hot bod won’t always stay this hot this easily, and you will slowly stop getting carded, and then start making jokes about how flattered you are that you did get carded. But you will also have that really sexy thing that you probably did not have in your teens or early 20s: wisdom.

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5 Signs You're Killing it at Online Dating

Everyone knows that the rules of dating have vastly changed since our parents’ time. Some might even say that there are no rules these days. Others might yell, “Rules are made for breaking!” while drinking red wine alone in her bedroom and Tindering.

There’s no question that things can get really crazy in this online dating world that many of us live in. Not a weekend goes by that I don’t hear one or ten of my friends question their behavior or that of the person they’ve met/texted/”liked.” I’m talking things like, “Do I message first?”, “But what does that MEAN?” and “So we’ve hung out now three times, but none of them were date-dates….” No one is ever really sure whose ball is in whose court or if the clock has run out or some other sporty metaphor.

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Lessons Learned From Living Alone

I live alone. For the first time in all of my dozens of years on this earth, I’m the queen of my own castle. I went from 3 siblings to 300 freshman dorm-mates, to one zillion sorority sisters, and once I graduated, logic and budget and fun told me to just keep the cohabitation trend going. I consistently had 1-3 roommates from the years of 2005-2013. One of them remained constant from college to Chicago to Nashville and we were really close to qualifying for common law marriage, but then she got actually-married and saved us both from the embarrassment.

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I’ll Attend Your Friendsgiving This Year Over My Dead Body

Hey all—I won’t be coming to any of your ‘Friendsgivings’ this year. A few reasons:

1. Thanksgiving isn’t about the company, it’s about the food. And we all know everyone half-asses the side dishes they bring to these things. And don’t even get me started on the “turkey.” If I’m gonna eat shitty stuffing I’d like to do it on my own couch, like a normal person.

2. The first time I heard the word ‘Friendsgiving’ I thought it was a fun party where we all watched our favorite Friends episodes. You can’t imagine the let-down I felt when I arrived and saw that it was just a bunch of my acquaintances eating off of paper plates.

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What I Learned from On-Again Off-Again Relationships

It’s a tale as old as time—boy meets girl, boy and girl date blissfully, boy and girl can’t seem to make it work but also can’t seem to completely walk away from one another so they make up and then break up and so on and so forth ad nauseum.

Luckily it’s not that common of a tale for everyone, but for some of us—raises hand guiltily—the on-again, off-again relationship is all too familiar.

Some experts refer to it as ‘relationship cycling,’ but I just refer to it the True Absolute Worst How Did I Get Here GAHD. I can think of two relationships I’ve been in that had this distinct, addictive push and pull, and besides being exhausting, I look back on this dynamic a wild, epic waste of my time (and his).

So, whether you’ve been through this before (#solidarity), or you’re an on-again/off-again rookie (#saveyourself), here are some truths I gleaned from my experience:

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An open letter to men who use the slow-fade breakup

But after experiencing a few Slow Fades myself, and watching it happen to many of my girlfriends, I think the very least that you can do is to call a spade a spade. If you're too scared to call, just send a message. Even a carrier pigeon will do.

At least she won't have to endlessly wonder or create scenarios that drive her (and her close friends) nuts: “Maybe he lost his phone and he doesn't have my number anymore?” “There could have been a death in the family??” “He must've gotten back together with his ex.”

That's the part you don't see. The confusion, the frustration, the powerlessness. Because, Slow Faders, what you've robbed her of is her own input into the ending of your relationship. (Don't panic at the word "relationship." Even if it wasn't official or exclusive, when two people interact, it's still a relationship.)

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Web Articles, Magazine Features, Blogs, Print

As seen in the portfolio above (did you click on those bad boys or what?), my work has been featured all over the place in wordy spots like The Red Eye (Chicago Tribune), Reductress, Hello Giggles, The Everygirl, Nashville Scene, Above Average, The Huffington Post, She Knows, and my diary. If your publication wants a punchy, smart take on current events, life, love or some weird combo of them all, I'm your gal.

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